This Is What It Is
by lilactorgirl224
Summary: Post episode for SHADOW and LIGHT. Kate's perspective on Daniel's break, and then Daniel's perspective on meeting Dr. Caroline Newsome. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: Sadly, PERCEPTION is not mine. PLEASE review! This is my way of dealing with the complex emotions from last night's incredible episode. From Kate's POV. _**

_"My name is Dr. Daniel Pierce. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, and I need to be admitted."_

I had to bite my tongue to keep a tear from falling. I couldn't cry, not now, not in front of Daniel. It must've taken everything for him to ask for that ride to the hospital.

I shuddered, thinking back to the moment I'd walked into the apartment. I'd never seen it so dirty and disorganized. And then I saw Daniel… in shorts and a t-shirt stained with sweat.

"_Kate! Thank God you're all right…"_

And he'd _hugged _me. Daniel, who was repulsed by almost all form of physical contact, had wrapped his arms around me. That was when the smell of his sweat from not showing for two days hit me. Luckily I've had practice not reacting to bad smells, thanks to the countless crime scenes I've worked.

But beyond the normally taboo touch and the smell were Daniel's _eyes_. The genuine fear that had filled them scared me, as it made it clear just how real his belief was that I had been in danger. They were also… wild. I have never seen Daniel so… out of control, so detached from reality and logic…

The nurse handed Daniel an admitting form, and Lewicki stepped forward to try to offer to fill it out, but Daniel brushed him away. "I've got it, Lewicki." He glanced over toward me. "Why don't…. why don't you go back with K-Kate?"

My throat tightened a bit at that. Really? Daniel didn't want me here? After everything I've done to try and help him, to understand him, he is pushing me away?

"Message received, Daniel. I'll head out. I'll get the car ready, Lewicki. I'll try not to take too long." I hated myself the minute it came out of my mouth, especially seeing the expression on Daniel's face. But damn it, I was _tired_ of this. I stepped out of the hospital doors, tightening my coat around me. I swallowed fast multiple times to hold back the tears threatening to fall.

"Kate?"

Daniel. I stopped, but didn't respond. I couldn't trust myself not to start crying, or say something to make things worse. He came up and stood next to me.

"Kate. P-please don't do this," he said softly.

I turned abruptly to face him. "Do what? Shut you out? Pretend you're not an important part of my life, or that I _want _you to be? Because that's _exactly_ what you're doing to me, Daniel!"

After a minute or two of silence, he said in barely a whisper, "What you saw at my house… that was m-my life. That's… who I am, Kate. That's why I shut you out… because I _n-never_ wanted you to see that."

"Well I did. And I'm still here," I said, grabbing a hold of his hand. After a moment I continued, looking him directly in the eyes, "And I wished you trusted me enough to know I'd never give up on you, or even think any less of you."

"Honestly, that's exactly what I _didn't_ want," Daniel said. He pulled his hand away from mine and glanced away. "You deserve better, Kate. I'm… I'm crazy. I-I've tried coping, tried denying it. B-but I can't anymore." He was silent for a moment. "Wh-what if I'd left my house?"

"But you didn't."

"O-or tried to use the oven? Or gone out into traffic?" Daniel said, speaking over me. After a brief silence, he added softly: "Wh-what if… you had come before Lewicki, and… I-I didn't know it was you?"

I didn't have a good answer for that specific question, but I put my hand on his shoulder and made him look me in the eyes again. "Daniel… you are the reason I asked to come here. There are neuroscience doctors and professors all over the country, but I chose _you_. Because I trust you, and I want to be here with you."

He gave a small, slight smile at this. Then he gave me an odd look, and said in a hesitant voice, "Um… th-there was something… in th-the… hallucination… that I… I would like to be real."

I raised my eyebrows quizzically. Daniel took a deep breath, leaned in, and kissed me deeply on the lips.

At first I was shocked by this… this _huge_ show of physical affection by Daniel. And I knew how much it meant to him. I put my hand on his cheek as a sign that I wouldn't pull back.

He broke away a minute later, taking my hand in his. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Kate… will you wait for me? You'll stay here, in Chicago?"

I nodded. "I'm not going anywhere, Daniel."

He gave a serious look and said, "Because I… I don't think I can do this if you leave." His eyes were down at the ground, contemplating the incredible thing he'd just said.

"This is what this is, isn't it?" I said. He looked at my quizzically. "Us. Your life." He nodded silently. "I promise you, Daniel. I will be here with you. I'll visit you every week, every day until you can come back."

Daniel looked at me again and said, "Wait… can I ask you a favor, Kate?"

I nodded. "Of course."

He inhaled deeply and then said slowly, "W-will you let me… wait until I-I'm… ready to… to have you see me in here?"

My initial instinct was to refuse to let him hide from me anymore, to tell him he couldn't pick and choose when he wants be close to me. But I stopped and considered exactly what he'd been through in the past few hours, and what he would be going through these next few months. So I said, "Of course."

Lewicki came out of the hospital doors. "Dr. Pierce?"

Daniel looked down at our hands, still clasped together. He took a deep breath, and he kissed my hand one last time. I could've sworn I heard him mumble softly, "That was even better than the hallucination…" I gave him one last hug, wishing it could last forever.

Daniel let go of my hand, and he followed Lewicki back through the double doors. I watched through the glass as a nurse came and put an ID bracelet around Daniel's wrist. I saw him flinch as she took his canvas bag. Finally the nurse put a hand on Daniel's upper back and began leading him away. Before he turned into the hallway leading away from admitting, he turned around one last time to look at me.

He gave a small smile.

And I could no longer hold back my tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This chapter is a post-episode for LIGHT, and uses my previous chapter. Now we get Dr. Daniel Pierce's POV... wanted to write from his perspective for a little. =)**

"I'd like to be alone," I said, rolling over. I'm sure Nat – I mean _Dr. Caroline Newsome_ wanted to say something, but luckily for me she simply walked out the door and shut it behind her.

I shut my eyes and tried to think back, tried to see if there was anything I hadn't noticed, any hints that even that… that one night had been fake. I'd never even had one night with a woman, with anyone who loved me.

"Wow. I'm a bit of a hard-ass."

I shot up in my bed. Natalie… well, one of them was standing in front of me, leaning against the wall. She wasn't wearing a white doctor's coat though.

"N-Natalie?" I asked softly. She nodded. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"I'm just here to say goodbye, Daniel. I know you'll stop seeing me, and I wanted to check in on you… one last time," Natalie explained. I didn't respond. She came and sat on my bed, and rested her hand on my arm. "Are… are you okay, Daniel?"

"NO!" I said sternly, standing up and starting to pace. "No, I'm not. I just found out that what I… I thought was… was the one, the only moment I-I had with yo-with her… with someone who loved me… was a hallucination!"

She shook her head sadly. "I did warn you, Daniel." I turned away. I didn't need _(didn't want)_ to hear this. "I told you that you should let me go when you found out I wasn't real."

"I… I thought I'd at least had… just one night. I-I'm even more pathetic than I thought!"

"Daniel, listen to me!" Natalie jumped in. "You are not pathetic. You have a psychological disorder, and you've overcome _incredible _odds to become a brilliant neuroscientist." She paused and added, "And besides, Daniel… that one memory might not be real, but that is not the only moment you've had with someone who loved you. Don't overlook what you _do_ have because of something you didn't."

I frowned. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"There is someone real who loves you. Someone who came back to be with you."

No. We were not having this conversation.

I shook my head. "Don't… don't bring her into this."

"She chose to come back to Chicago; she chose to reach out to you… and you kissed her. That was real, Daniel."

I flashed back to the feel of Kate's lips on mine, the flood of warmth through my body… to her expression when I'd kissed her, and how she melted into the kiss…

Suddenly her expression upon seeing me right after my break flashed before my eyes.

"The second time it was," I spat. "A-and… sh-she's my student – "

"_Was_ your student," Natalie corrected.

"She's more than ten years younger than me! A-and I'm…" I swallowed hard. "I'm sick, Natalie. I-I… I can't do this to her."

"Then why did you ask her to stay in Chicago, to wait for you?"

"B-because I… I wasn't thinking. I was just about to admit myself here – "

"Because your defenses were down and you took a chance," Natalie butted in. "And she accepted, Daniel. She didn't turn you down."

"She… she doesn't know what she's doing!"

Natalie chuckled. "Really, Daniel? Let me ask you something. Do you trust Kate?"

I blinked. "Y-yes, of course."

"Completely and unconditionally?"

"Y-yes."

"Then why don't you trust her to make her own choices? She is choosing to be with you. Let her make that choice."

I stood by the window and glanced out. I could see the moon and just a couple of stars…

"I can't hurt her, Natalie. I can't… I can't put her in danger," I said softly. I thought briefly about fifty different scenarios that could have happened if Kate had come before Lewicki… If I hadn't known who she was… I shuddered.

"Daniel, you're doing what you need to get yourself in control… You have to trust yourself." She paused. "And frankly… maybe this will be the push that you need to keep yourself on your meds." She gave a small smile. "You won't need me anymore at least." With that, she stood and came over to me. She took my hand. "It's time."

"Goodbye, Natalie," I whispered.

"Goodbye, Daniel. Take care of yourself… and Kate. Try and be nice to Lewicki," she said, with a half-hearted grin. With a last squeeze of my hand, she walked out of the door to my room.

For a moment I was frozen to the spot, but suddenly my mind screamed, _Don't let her walk away, you idiot!_ I ran to the door and ran outside. The hall was empty. I knew Natalie would keep her word, and that I'd never get to see her again.

I slowly wandered back inside and sat on my bed, trying to make sense of everything that had just happened. In finding the "real" Natalie, I'd lost the one that I'd known for years. Suddenly I had begun to see Kate in Natalie's place… Someone who was always there, who knew me… all of me. But maybe Kate was even more than Natalie.

Someone who wouldn't leave, ever.

Someone who was…

real.

I shoved my headphones on and blasted my classical music as tears streamed down my face.

**So...? =) Please review! **


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